Self-Identity: Who Am I, Really?

Adoptees around the world have been wondering the same thing- Who am I, really? If you’re an adult adoptee, it’s probably no secret that the journey toward self-identity remains one of the biggest hardships to face in our community. Identity is crucial to each and every human on the planet, as it shapes the foundation of who we are and who we will become. Because of what has been lost or what is missing, adopted people undergo unique inner battles that beg to answer these questions of “Who am I?” and “Where do I fit?” 

The pathway toward discovering one’s self-identity can feel especially hopeless for adoptees, as it usually begins with the “nurture” aspect of nature vs. nurture. It’s common to feel different from our adoptive families, but they ultimately play a big role in our identity development. For example, if a child were raised by adoptive parents that were verbally abusive, they are more likely to face self-esteem issues as they mature. Low confidence is one of many catalysts for identity issues that may persist until an adoptee addresses their traumas. But even in cases where adoptive parents are very loving and supportive to the adoptee, we’ve heard that the adopted person still feels like something is missing. 

An exceptional researcher named Harold D. Grotevant developed six categories to consider when determining an adoptee’s self-identity struggle. 

1. Depth of Identity Exploration: How much is the adoptee thinking about the meaning of adoption in their lives?

2. Salience: How important is adoptive identity to an adoptee?

3. Internal Consistency: How consistent are an adoptee’s internal perceptions of themselves and the world?

4. Flexibility: What is the adoptee’s ability to think about things from different points of view?

5. Positive Affect: Does the adoptee express positive emotions about their adoption?

6. Negative affect: Does the adoptee express negative emotions about their adoption?

Dr. Grotevant used these categories to place adolescent participants into four groups: Unexamined Adoptive Identity, Limited Adoptive Identity, Unsettled Adoptive Identity (negative responses),and Integrated Adoptive Identity (positive responses). When the group reconvened eight years later, it was found that there was a direct correlation between the individuals’ category placement to the participants’ internalizing behaviors. The Unsettled group had the highest levels of internalizing behavior, which proved that adjustment challenges that we associate with adoptive identity in adolescence do continue with time.

The Adoption Support Alliance examined this research and deduced that, “the study also found the high levels of Negative Affect set the Unsettled group apart. The feedback from the participants found that the Negative Affect can originate from multiple areas including relationships with adoptive parents, birth relatives or peers, lack of information about their adoption, difficulty being able to integrate their adoption circumstances into a cohesive story, lack of communication from either set of parents, or negative feedback about their adoption such as bullying, using their adoptive status as a joke or threat.” In conclusion, the study proved that adolescent adoptees experience very personal and individual struggles as they transition into adulthood, and that certain biological, social, and emotional factors contribute to an adoptee’s unique challenges. This is especially true of transracial adoptees, victims of abuse, and children who have limited or no answers about themselves and their history.  

Lacking sense of self can lead to an array of social, emotional, and mental challenges. Examples are included but not limited to:

• Codependency or Extreme Independence - both of which concern abandonment issues and a general “I don’t want to be left behind” undertone

• People-pleasing - an attempt to force control over whether people will remain in your life

• Antisocial behavior - brought out by negative experiences, unresolved emotions, and feelings of not belonging

• “Copying” - the act of making someone else’s identity yours, however unsuitable it may be for you and your lifestyle

• Risky behaviors - experimenting with drugs, engaging in unsafe sex, and/or acting out behaviorally as a subconscious cry for help 

• Extreme trust or Extreme distrust - stemming from the desire to feel connected and close with someone, some adoptees will trust people too easily or not at all

• Anger and/or projection - “you can’t hurt me if I just hurt you first” mentality

• “Misfit” - the feeling as though one does not belong or “fit” anywhere because they are adopted

• Racial identity - relating to mostly transracial adoptees, this challenge presents for many who feel different in their respective adoptive families

So, how does one address these issues in a healthy way?

1. Seek counseling from a reputable counselor or therapist that specializes in adoption/adoptee issues

2. Use DNA/ancestry tests to discover answers about yourself

3. Build community with other adoptees, through PAC or otherwise

4. Self care: remember to eat, drink water, bathe, get some fresh air, and be proud of yourself 

5. Create an artistic, poetic, or musical expression of your emotions

6. Consume adoptee media to feel heard and understood in times of frustration

7. Hire a genealogist, search angel, or private detective to learn about your roots

8. Speak with a trusted friend/loved one who can offer support and companionship on this journey

If no one has told you this before, it’s totally normal to have conflicting thoughts and emotions about the adoptee experience. You might be feeling overwhelmed with how to answer “Who are you?” but the good news is that you don’t have to walk this journey alone. Your story is a powerful testament to your early life’s trials, but it’s perfectly okay to admit that you never asked for such a chaotic beginning and/or middle. You can feel grateful for the life that you’ve lived, while continuing to grieve the life that you didn’t. And you certainly are not a bad person for these feelings; it’s only human to wonder about what your life could’ve looked like if you’d had a more traditional start to life.

PAC seeks to validate these emotions and offer encouraging solutions to adopted people who are feeling lost. We truly believe that it is a primal urge to yearn for our self-identity, history, and biological connections. When mother and child are separated, at any age, that child is certain to spend a lifetime searching for closure and healing an abandonment wound. We see the same of kittens and puppies that are taken away from their mothers too soon. They grow up less confident, more fearful, and entirely different than if they’d been nurtured by their mothers for longer. There is a part of them that is searching for the connection that they shared with their mothers; a bond so distinct and inimitable, that even the most loving home and pet owners cannot recreate nor match it. 

At PAC, we understand how lonely the self-identity journey can feel, so we’ve made it our mission to provide adoptees with the right resources and support. If you are in need of such resources, please visit the Resources tab on our website or reach out to a member of our team for more information.

Sources

Coston, A. (2022, July 13). What the research says: Adoptee identity. Adoption Support Alliance. https://www.adoptionsupportalliance.org/post/what-the-research-says-adoptee-identity

Grotevant, H. D., Lo, A. Y. H., Fiorenzo, L., & Dunbar, N. D. (2017). Adoptive Identity and Adjustment from Adolescence to Emerging Adulthood: A Person-Centered Approach. Developmental Psychology, 53(11), 2195–2204.

Collage photo edited and produced by Taylor Clark.